Publications

May 2024

 After reviewing the academic meaning of the word, we want to test its value in the real world. How do experts in the field of psychology, physical and emotional health consider integrity as it plays out, or lack thereof,  in the individual's experience. While these models show a general consensus of understanding we will delve a lot deeper into how this can be recognized in your own life. None of which need be mutually exclusive or entirely all encompassing.k of integrity. There are many examples where even life threatening experiences have inspired forces of integrity within individuals and societies. There are those who have suffered greatly then become advocates and instruments for change that transform the course of human history. We will look at some of these positive and resilient human forces as examples of HOPE and in support of our argument that even when the most traumatic of experiences may have impacted your life, there must still be personal accountability.

After reviewing the academic meaning of the word, we want to test its value in the real world.How do experts in the field of psychology, physical and emotional health consider integrity as it plays out, or lack thereof,  in the individual's experience. While these models show a general consensus of understanding we will delve a lot deeper into how this can be recognized in your own life. None of which need be mutually exclusive or entirely all encompassing.

Integrity ? 

• What is it?
• How is it defined?
• How is it relevant in 2018? 

“Integrity is one of the most important and oft-cited of virtue terms. It is also perhaps the most puzzling.” (Cox, La Caze &  Levine, 2017)

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For years there was a clash of worldviews between us; a battle of wills and defenses triggered by conflicted attitudes towards relationships, public perception and versions of right or wrong. Rather than rupture our friendship, these differing opinions ultimately would give birth to an immovable mutual respect, a quest for truth and a better understanding of what it feels like to have personal integrity.

So it is with gratitude for the space between our worlds that we begin to consider integrity.

In our new book, “Integrity?” we passionately explore how and why it shows up in everyday life. Along with interactive guided practice for when we question, ignore or find our own integrity compromised. The concept and importance of integrity has come up many times over our 35 years of friendship, as we have faced life’s pivotal moments; childhood traumas, marriages, career changes, motherhood and community service. We have found the definition to be fluid, not always agreed upon philosophically or practically and yet it is a word that is often thrown around with great fervor or judgment.

We do not claim in any way to represent perfect examples of this virtue, or we could just blog our lives and be done with it. Raising children and navigating a culture of special interests and zero sum gains here in Los Angeles, we have revisited the question with more urgency. Our focus compelled by how desperately the world needs decent, kind, honest people who may make mistakes but do their best.

Is integrity more paramount than ever before?

We approach these themes from a place of duality: One knows one will make mistakes and possibly never reach full healing, enlightenment, clean-conscience; still there is value to prioritize integrity in one’s life. The theme of duality reoccurs across much of our research; from the often complex psychological concept of “double binds”, to how remaining silent may be a show of integrity or at another time integrity would require you to speak out.
We will also briefly review why the cognitive distortions of all-or-nothing (black and white) thinking are fundamentally misaligned with healthy personal integrity.

In order to effectively explore the concept of  integrity we need to take a closer look at it’s qualities which include conscience, empathy and wholeness; aside from morality,  guilt and shame.

We need to start by exploring some standard definitions of the word integrity. We will expand further on various definitions in the book.

To start us off let’s go to the dictionary:

Oxford Dictionary

integrity NOUN mass noun
1 The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. ‘a gentleman of complete integrity

’2 The state of being whole and undivided.‘upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty’

2.1 The condition of being unified or sound in construction.‘the structural integrity of the novel’

2.2 Internal consistency or lack of corruption in electronic data.as modifier ‘integrity checking’ 

Origin Late Middle English (in integrity (senfrom French intégrité or Latin integritas, from integer ‘intact’ (see integer). Compare with entirety, integral, and integrate.

Let’s break that down a little!

Definition ~ “The quality of being honest and having strong moral principle”

 The use and interchangeable meaning of the word “morality” can be misleading. The term “moral” is often experienced with weighted judgement and almost always rooted in religious history. Although used together in some of our references, to be clear, we address integrity as a separate and clearly defined concept as it stands alone. For example, while “integrity” is sometimes used virtually synonymously with ‘moral,’ we pointedly distinguish having morals from acting with integrity. Thus one may acknowledge a person to have integrity even though that person may act in a way you may think to be immoral.

Definition ~ “‘a gentleman of complete integrity’”  

Whatevers Jane Austen!

Definition ~ “The state of being whole and undivided”

Talking about ‘wholeness’ as a human being is somewhat of an ethereal concept. Imagine you are an element on the periodic table, a primary element like oxygen or hydrogen. Integrity like elements needs to be whole and connected to function properly. When dirt and other particles interfere with an element it breaks down the core integrity, rendering that element unable to function true to its potential. Wholeness as self-integration is another way we reframe and address internal mechanisms for personal integrity. In the same way, when you move through your day, your integrity is constantly bombarded with outside elements:

• Peer pressure
• Financial survival
• Social-economic influences
• Family or cultural superstitions and expectation 
• Family of origin individual relationships
• Self-centered mother or father
• Absent father or mother 
• Emotional abuse. 
• Psychological abuse

Let’s not underestimate the impact of trauma and how that informs one’s lifelong sense of integrity.

Trauma:

• Physical violence  
• Childhood neglect and abuse 
• Violence 
• War 
• Natural disaster 
• Accidental injury
• Unpredictable stressors in childhood

Definition “‘... upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty’”

We can probably leave this one to the United Nations since it is out of the scope of our study. However we will have a little look into some constructs that impact societal integrity and macro level wholeness.

Definition “The condition of being unified or sound in construction.”

Ironically, when there’s a crisis of  integrity, it is in that moment one may discover what the word truly means. This is often, however, distorted by lack of sound construction on a developmental level. To have grown into adulthood with a broken internal compass or unsafe emotional construction, a sense of sound integrity may be skewed. Interestingly enough the concept of trauma or hardship alone do not necessarily constitute causation of disconnect or lack of integrity. There are many examples where even life threatening experiences have inspired forces of integrity within individuals and societies. There are those who have suffered greatly then become advocates and instruments for change that transform the course of human history. We will look at some of these positive and resilient human forces as examples of HOPE and in support of our argument that even when the most traumatic of experiences may have impacted your life, there must still be personal accountability.

After reviewing the academic meaning of the word, we want to test its value in the real world. How do experts in the field of psychology, physical and emotional health consider integrity as it plays out, or lack thereof,  in the individual's experience. While these models show a general consensus of understanding we will delve a lot deeper into how this can be recognized in your own life. None of which need be mutually exclusive or entirely all encompassing.

Let’s take a sneak peek at some of the ideas we will discuss.
The Existential Psychology’s ‘Integrity Model’ (Lander & Nahon, 2005) definition is helpful.

• Integrity Model Definition (Lander & Nahon, 2017)
  Key Concepts: Three components of Integrity
  Honesty
• Responsibility 
• Emotional closure/community
  

Growing up in the British culture we were accustomed to avoiding or suppressing feelings. The culture that gave us phrases like “stiff upper lip” or “soldier on”, where traditionally displaying or talking about one's feelings is met with dismissal, embarrassment or even distaste. So, it has been with some discomfort and a great deal of humor that we now practice an approach that values the importance of addressing feelings. To neither indulge or overly dwell on them, rather it is the way we understand the appropriate (root) associations of such feelings that is in fact key to acting with integrity.

We apply the Existential Psychology ‘Integrity Model’s’ approach that,  “Feelings are responses, not stimuli.” (Lander & Nahon, 2017)

There is a reason one is experiencing the given feeling.

What if guilt was actually a helpful warning sign that one’s values may have been violated rather than the Freudian perspective that “guilt comprised a neurotic response that needed to be remedied” where we could end up dismissing the connection to our values and getting stuck focusing on shame about the guilt! 

The Integrity model describes guilt as “a saving grace… as it provides a critical ‘internal biofeedback loop’ as to the adjustments and work one needs to do in order to have fidelity to one’s values.” This model describes how the feeling of guilt happens when there is a “violation of one’s values… and from the discrepancies between one’s values and actual deeds that are done rather than deeds that one fears one might do.” (Nahon & Lander & Nahon, 2014) It’s important for us not to be cut off from these feelings but rather to be aware of them and regulate them as important emotions for containment.

Therefore in the context of integrity, we explore the purpose of guilt and shame. For a practical application of these concepts we use Pia Melody’s clinical approach to emotions by first identifying the feeling  along with the “gift the feeling offers when they are honoured.” (Gonzales, 2017) This can help us not get stuck in toxic guilt and shame but rather ask ourselves if our choices are in line with our sense of integrity and if not, how to take action with amends. Please click on the link at the end of this article for Pia Melody's Emotions & Feelings as Gifts chart. (Scroll to the bottom for her approach with guilt and shame)

Action examples can be reparations: 

• apologies
• making a different choice next time
• what did I learn from my mistake? 

We appreciate Pia Mellody’s reminder that, “we only need enough healthy shame to keep us from running naked down the street. Experiencing our own shame allows us to accept our own mistakes and humanity; and, with those experiences, we are able to accept the mistakes of others without all that self-righteous victim anger or resentment bubbling up.” (Gonzales, 2017)

* Disclaimer ~ You do need a conscience and empathy, to qualify for this approach! If you have both please keep reading.  There are plenty of reasons why you must learn to trust your own integrity, not least of them that you will want to identify when another person lacks even the requirements to be able to evolve a true sense of integrity. Trust. Trust is another concern, along with the idea of instinct (gut feeling) and how they intertwine to confuse or empower our choices on different occasions. In our book, you will find helpful suggestions and tools relating to trusting yourself.

“The most common and most insidious of all ruptures to integrity especially in formative years is: the double bind.” (Bradshaw, John 2007)
We see this as an example of when things get particularly complicated. Identifying if this is a concern for you will be important, to understand how paralyzing the double bind can be and its influence over recognizing truth and integrity.

Double binds

double bind noun
1. Psychology. a situation in which a person is given conflicting cues, especially by a parent, such that to obey one cue is to disobey the other.
2. dilemma (def 1). 1955-1960 An Americanism dating back to 1955-60

Basically the double bind means, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!”
“Feeling there is no acceptable course of action as a result of double binds can contribute to lower self-esteem, feelings of resentment toward a partner, or apathy. In a classic psychological study, when humans and animals were placed in situations where there seemed to be no correct course of action to remedy the situation, they gave up. The term for this is learned helplessness.”
Learned helplessness is a crippling obstacle to trusting your own sense of integrity. Even if this is not directly applicable in your own case, it is an important concept to understand on a broader integrated societal level. Recognizing these forces within and around you will be workshopped in the book.
Buddhist psychology approaches double binds as an opportunity to find enlightenment! Similar to Pia Melody’s actionable reframe of negative emotions into gifts. 

Actionable practice to having, increasing & maintaining integrity

• Self-awareness - regulate feelings
• Increase connection between body and feelings 
• Explore pleasant or unpleasant sensations
• Identify if you are responding from a place of fear
• Remain aware of emotionally safe or unsafe environments
• Own your reactivity and replace with accountability
• Rupturing double-binds from childhod
• Changing the way one thinks: Flexible thinking, compromise, change a part of the pattern.
• Consider the pay off to old ways of thinking and why that doesn’t work or serve you anymore.
• You are not alone: Get help. Stay curious. Get into therapy...

In our book we will address how many of these concepts and ideas intermingle in case studies and give you clear and practical tools to recognize integrity in others and to develop a stronger sense of your own integrity and its application including:

• How integrity enriches your life in liberating and profound ways. Experiencing a sense of freedom and healthier choices due to trusting oneself and being connected to truthfulness.
• Increasing your own sense of integrity.
• Truth tellers and their role in shattering broken integrity. 
• Acknowledging injustice and how it prevails over a sense of personal integrity.
  
  Leaving you on a note of personal accountability: 

“The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home.” 

Since we live in an ever increasingly evolving world, with very few places left to hide; integrity is more relevant than ever, as we navigate reality with more opportunities to connect with other human beings and indeed our own selves.

 “Integrity | Definition of Integrity in English by Oxford Dictionaries.” Oxford Dictionaries | English, Oxford University Press, 2018, en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/integrity. “Double Bind.” Dictionary.com, Random House Unabridged Dictionary, 2018, www.dictionary.com/browse/double-bind.  

Berry, William. “The Relationship Double Bind: From Frustration To Enlightenment.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2011, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-second-noble-truth/201108/the-relationship-double-bind-frustration-enlightenment?amp. 

Bradshaw, John. “The Therapeutic Genius of Pia Mellody.” The Meadows, Cutting Edge, 2007, www.themeadows.com/blog/item/373-the-therapeutic-genius-of-pia-mellody. 

Cox, Damian., La Caze, Marguerite and Levine, Michael, "Integrity", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Spring 2017 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.) 

Gonzales, Brenna. “All of the Feels: Accepting the Gifts of Emotion.” The Meadows, Feb. 2017, www.themeadows.com/blog/item/838-all-of-the-feels-accepting-the-gifts-of-emotion 

Lander, Nedra R, and Nahon, Danielle. “The Integrity Model Working With Men, Their Intimacy Issues, and Their Search for Community." Http://Journals.sagepub.com, Sage Publications, journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1060826515600459.

   
This Is One of The Biggest Weight-Loss Lessons You Can Learn From 'My 600-Pound Life'

Explain to your friends and family what support means to you. 

By Alison Bonaguro

August 8, 2017    

You might not initially peg the people you love as the ones responsible for hurting your relationship with food. But it certainly can happen. If you’ve ever watched an episode—possibly even an entire season—of TLC’s My 600-lb Life, you know exactly who these people are. 

They are the spouses, the siblings, the friends, the parents, and sometimes the children. They are the ones who you’d expect to support your decision to shed the weight. But they are in fact the saboteurs, and they can be infuriating to watch.  

Sometimes episodes showcase what are probably unintentional acts of sabotage: In season three of the show, you watch Pauline, who weighs 678 pounds, accept a fast-food breakfast from her son and caretaker while laying in a hospital bed from which she cannot move unassisted.  But other instances aren't so innocent: In an episode from season two, Zsalynn, 42, who weighs 597 pounds, says her mother often called her fat, and wouldn't even let her lick postage stamps because she thought there were calories in them.  

Younan Nowzaradan, M.D., the show’s compassionate gastric bypass surgeon from Houston Obesity Surgery, maintains that without support, a weight-loss journey will most likely fail. “If they don't have [support], it’s almost impossible for them to be successful in the long term, unless they remove those people from their environment. So they either have to change their dynamic with those enablers or separate from them if they want to succeed,” Nowzaradan told People. 

So, what can you do if you're facing a similar situation at home? 

“If someone is going to make progress, it’s important to confront their family and friends about what support really means,” says Cymbeline Smith, a licensed marriage and family therapist.   

Smith recommends first trying to understand why your support person is being anything but and trying to reframe how you interact with these people who are allegedly on your side. 

Step one? Take conversations about weight off the table.   

“Start from ground zero: no body comments allowed,” she says. Then set verbal boundaries. “There should be no commenting on each other’s bodies at all. The support person may encourage health but not offer opinions on anyone’s body. You can say, ‘Thank you for caring. I know you love me, but please don’t comment on my body.’ “ 

She also says it’s a good idea to remind people that any compliments about the weight loss need to be without comparisons to the past or absolutes. “‘I like your body now’ can be very triggering psychologically,” Smith warns.  

Ultimately, Smith says that a weight loss will be undermined if it’s starting with a less-than-solid relationship. But all hope is not lost. You just need to take care of one before the other. “Put the relationship first. Work on that,” she says, “then you’ll be better equipped to overcome anything else that gets in your way of a healthier weight.”   

Women's Health Copyright © 2017 Rodale Inc.